In the interest of being factually accurate, I would like to post a correction to my previous posting on my blog. Tom over at Charter Communications informed me that:
Charles,
Your use of the number 251 in your 'letter of complaint' is not completely accurate as our records show that the incorrect charging of $143.13 through ePay did not actually process. Apparently you or someone in your family must have discontinued this service, making it impossible for us to bill you further. The amount owed to you is actually $108.51. Please be patient as your check will arrive as soon as we can get it to you. I will also follow up and document your request to, "take the money owed to [you], buy the souls of our entire customer service department back from Satan, and send the remaining $108.50 back to [you] sometime before Jesus returns." In the future, please be more concise and specific with your comments as your sarcasm and degradation of our company employees hampers the communication process we value so deeply with our customers."
Cordially,
Tom #48F
My Response:
Dear Tom,
Thank you for taking the time to provide a prompt correction of my "letter." It was actually a blog posting of mine that I irresponsibly sent to over 100 people, many of them prospective customers of yours. Imagine my regret and embarrassment at having spread misinformation that tarnishes your company's good name. I will send each recipient of this unfortunate e-mail message a copy of this message so that they will know that you have only wrongly billed me for $108.51 in the six months since I dropped your service, not $251 as I stated previously.
Please know that my integrity and dedication to being precise with the words I choose and the information I provide is of the utmost importance to me. As a gesture of showing my regret for my actions, I have decided not to enclose the following statements in this message:
1. Charter is to Customer Service as Flatulence is to First Dates
2. Charter is to Ethical Business Practices as Janet Reno is to Male Sexual Arousal
It just wouldn't be right to degrade your company in this manner--especially in light of the error I made. I am a man of integrity and accountability, and I vow to choose my words more carefully from now on. Poop, Fart, Grizzly Balls.
Sincerely,
Charles
P.S. I've gotta go eat my bean dip. I have a hot date with Janet tonight.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Charter Communications: My Second Family
After sixth months of negotiating, I am pleased to announce that on February 6th, 2008, Charter Communications completed its work order from August 24th of 1941, er, sorry 2007 regarding Charlie and Stacy's account. Yes, they finally managed to close our account after twelve requests to shut it down and twelve requests to stop billing us for services we've not received for six months.
Charter Communications apparently had a communication problem as this now infamous work order failed to make it through to the next step in their network. . .twelve times. Each time, or each of the twelve times this happened created huge concerns for Charter. One customer service agent named Lee told me he would "communicate" (okay I extrapolated that word) the problem right away. This apparently did not happen the first time, or the next for that matter. It took...twelve times.
Over the past several months, through my many hours spent on the phone, I feel like I've gained a second family over at Charter Customer Services. There's Ahmad, who was very determined to do something to help me, if I only I knew how or in what way (He had a little trouble communicating with me as my Arabic is a bit rusty). Juan was a lovable, jolly fellow, always worth a laugh--probably at my broken Spanish as I gave it my best shot to communicate with him. But laughter like Juan's is contagious even if it probably was at my expense.
When my calls weren't directed internationally, I was fortunate enough to get to know Wendy who chomps her gum and types a bit slower than the rest of her colleagues. Then there's Earl, the lovable old codger who teems with information and helpfulness (He knows and leaks important corporate phone numbers--very helpful). I'll never forget Robbie at corporate--so forthright and accountable with his vows to put an end to such an inexcusable problem, proudly stating, "The buck stops here." Of course Robbie was just being modest with his estimates as, at last count, 251 of my bucks had stopped there. But what's $250, more or less, among family? My favorite, though, had to be Alicia, who made it very clear what an ungrateful brat I was for leaving Charter. "It's your loss; I know my company's good! You tellin' me you' perfect? You think your life is a big, red, rosy perfect bubble?" (I am not making this up). "I can't help it if you don't know when you're being billed" (This either).
In Alicia's defense, I had been a little impatient with her (our) family over there at Charter. I was a bit more tired than I had been during call number eight in January when I had to be transfered to the Customer De-escalation Service where Dee (apparently the mother of my second family) asked me a series of introspective questions like, "Sir, do you think if you calm down I'll be more likely to be of help to you or less likely to be of help to you?" (50-50 chance--Damn! I wasn't in the mood for those odds.) I was a little less tired, though, than during call number nine in January when I requested they transfer me to the Customer Escalation Service so they could get me properly psyched up to announce to Cheryl that I didn't appreciate $69.49 being charged to my credit card (They said they don't have an Escalation Service--You have to motivate yourself). But back to good old Alicia. Alicia shared a lot of wisdom with me in the time I spent with her. Best of all, she also told me I'd get my check in six weeks so I should "Be happy," a nice send off from my other "family" as we prepared to part ways.
The last person in my second family that I spoke with must have been the dad of my second family. After discussing my problems with Ron, who is also Alicia's supervisor, he didn't know what a big, red, rosy bubble was, and he regretted to inform me that he would not be able to send any big, red, rosy bubbles with my check. That kind of shot down my next question which was "Will they be perfect?" He didn't even know if there was a recipe for red-tinted bubbles. I was even willing to blow them myself (the bubbles). Apparently Alicia would end up with the last laugh after all--my life isn't, and never will be, a big, red, rosy, perfect, bubble.
I'm sure going to miss all those people. It's kind of sad now. I feel like I've become Charter's Prodigal Son. Then again, there still is the issue of that work order they just completed to "Send [my] check as soon as possible." Of course, if they continue in their usual communication patterns and mess up this work order, maybe the prodigal son will have to return after all. Maybe my family over at Charter will even kill the fatted calf when I return! Nah, I'd never wish that on Alicia.
Charter Communications apparently had a communication problem as this now infamous work order failed to make it through to the next step in their network. . .twelve times. Each time, or each of the twelve times this happened created huge concerns for Charter. One customer service agent named Lee told me he would "communicate" (okay I extrapolated that word) the problem right away. This apparently did not happen the first time, or the next for that matter. It took...twelve times.
Over the past several months, through my many hours spent on the phone, I feel like I've gained a second family over at Charter Customer Services. There's Ahmad, who was very determined to do something to help me, if I only I knew how or in what way (He had a little trouble communicating with me as my Arabic is a bit rusty). Juan was a lovable, jolly fellow, always worth a laugh--probably at my broken Spanish as I gave it my best shot to communicate with him. But laughter like Juan's is contagious even if it probably was at my expense.
When my calls weren't directed internationally, I was fortunate enough to get to know Wendy who chomps her gum and types a bit slower than the rest of her colleagues. Then there's Earl, the lovable old codger who teems with information and helpfulness (He knows and leaks important corporate phone numbers--very helpful). I'll never forget Robbie at corporate--so forthright and accountable with his vows to put an end to such an inexcusable problem, proudly stating, "The buck stops here." Of course Robbie was just being modest with his estimates as, at last count, 251 of my bucks had stopped there. But what's $250, more or less, among family? My favorite, though, had to be Alicia, who made it very clear what an ungrateful brat I was for leaving Charter. "It's your loss; I know my company's good! You tellin' me you' perfect? You think your life is a big, red, rosy perfect bubble?" (I am not making this up). "I can't help it if you don't know when you're being billed" (This either).
In Alicia's defense, I had been a little impatient with her (our) family over there at Charter. I was a bit more tired than I had been during call number eight in January when I had to be transfered to the Customer De-escalation Service where Dee (apparently the mother of my second family) asked me a series of introspective questions like, "Sir, do you think if you calm down I'll be more likely to be of help to you or less likely to be of help to you?" (50-50 chance--Damn! I wasn't in the mood for those odds.) I was a little less tired, though, than during call number nine in January when I requested they transfer me to the Customer Escalation Service so they could get me properly psyched up to announce to Cheryl that I didn't appreciate $69.49 being charged to my credit card (They said they don't have an Escalation Service--You have to motivate yourself). But back to good old Alicia. Alicia shared a lot of wisdom with me in the time I spent with her. Best of all, she also told me I'd get my check in six weeks so I should "Be happy," a nice send off from my other "family" as we prepared to part ways.
The last person in my second family that I spoke with must have been the dad of my second family. After discussing my problems with Ron, who is also Alicia's supervisor, he didn't know what a big, red, rosy bubble was, and he regretted to inform me that he would not be able to send any big, red, rosy bubbles with my check. That kind of shot down my next question which was "Will they be perfect?" He didn't even know if there was a recipe for red-tinted bubbles. I was even willing to blow them myself (the bubbles). Apparently Alicia would end up with the last laugh after all--my life isn't, and never will be, a big, red, rosy, perfect, bubble.
I'm sure going to miss all those people. It's kind of sad now. I feel like I've become Charter's Prodigal Son. Then again, there still is the issue of that work order they just completed to "Send [my] check as soon as possible." Of course, if they continue in their usual communication patterns and mess up this work order, maybe the prodigal son will have to return after all. Maybe my family over at Charter will even kill the fatted calf when I return! Nah, I'd never wish that on Alicia.
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